lately i've had this terrible tension in my chest. i think it's stress related, but i don't know what's causing this internal knot. i mean my husband got an in town gig (well with a bit of travel until june, but the end is in sight) and that's something to celebrate. maybe it's the reshuttling of life and schedules and how we interact with each other. don't get me wrong, i LOVE having my husband home, but i got into a routine. not a good routine, i'll admit, actually an awful routine. i watched a lot of tv and moped around and felt sorry for myself.
the grip on my chest has loosened ever so slightly which might be due to my ability to run again. running is my outlet, my sanctuary of sorts where i pound the pavement and release stress and my brain just wonders. i push my body to the limits sometimes just to remind myself that pain feels good, it makes me feel alive.
it loosens as we realign our lives to each other and spend time with good friends. and so i breath deep as i loosen my grip on control, status, future plans, money, materialistic ideas, american culture, economic worries. open hands...
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Coupon Clipper
Edited 2/16/2009 This site was closed down a day later, sorry!
I'm frugal and love coupons and not the 10 cents off 2 boxes of cereal. Come on, that does me no good. But I love the coupons that are $1 off. Well my mom has become a fantic coupon clipper. I kid you not, she gave each of her six adult children a recycling grocery bag full of tolietries for Christmas all of which she got for close to free. I don't think I could be that dedicated but here's a great site that posts good coupons everyday and there is no limit to the number of coupons you can print off of a single item. Today I just printed 10 Progressive soup coupons for $1.10 off each can! Is that a deal or what? Here's the link: http://allydeals.com/
Now go save some money!
Anyone else have some great websites to save money in this economic climate?
I'm frugal and love coupons and not the 10 cents off 2 boxes of cereal. Come on, that does me no good. But I love the coupons that are $1 off. Well my mom has become a fantic coupon clipper. I kid you not, she gave each of her six adult children a recycling grocery bag full of tolietries for Christmas all of which she got for close to free. I don't think I could be that dedicated but here's a great site that posts good coupons everyday and there is no limit to the number of coupons you can print off of a single item. Today I just printed 10 Progressive soup coupons for $1.10 off each can! Is that a deal or what? Here's the link: http://allydeals.com/
Now go save some money!
Anyone else have some great websites to save money in this economic climate?
Monday, February 02, 2009
confessions of a semi-adult adoptee
warning: this post is a work in progress.
thoughts have been swimming around my head for the past year concerning adoption. for those who don't know me, i am an adult adoptee from south korea. i grew up in a family of six kids, 2 natural born and 4 adopted. of the adopted, 3 are from s. korea, including me and one from vietnam. i don't really talk about being adopted... at all. it is a weird subject for me.
i grew up in a very rural area, read all whites. all i ever wanted to be when i was little was a blond hair, blue eyes girl and if i could not be the dream girl, i would have taken non-slanted eyes. wow and my name didn't help the matters either, song. no one gets the name, i didn't get the name, why wasn't my name melissa or samantha, great for nicknames.
this is sad, but i sometimes forgot i was korean. seriously. until someone would say my name which was a constant reminder that i was different. otherwise i could fool myself into not looking into the mirror and seeing those slanted eyes. so i kept things in, the shy, quiet girl that was deathly afraid to be noticed else people would realize just how different i was.
and kids can be cruel. they will point out any difference just to fit in. but i didn't realize at the time that every kid had insecurities. mine just felt a little more out there for the world to see.
college was an eye opening experience with more asians and koreans on campus, a whole community that stuck together. freshmen year i was befriended by a korean girl down the hall who ate korean, talked korean, was all korean. and i did not fit in. somewhere along the way to becoming americanized, i never learned how to be korean. the duality of my life was apparent for the first time, i was korean on the outside, but american on the inside. i have stuggled with this duality probably from the very beginning, but this is when i could recognize it.
5 months ago i felt it again as i visited korea for the first time. i thought that something might click, that i would have an epiphany on my life there. nothing happened. i felt like a foreigner. i could walk around not saying a word and no one would know i couldn't speak a lick of my native tongue. no one would know i spent the last 30 years of my life as an american girl with american dreams. and then inevitably i would need something like directions or food or a restroom and i would need to open my mouth. so even in my homeland i felt like an imposter, a fraud. not quite american, not quite korean.
i could end the story here and you might feel bad for me or wonder how to do international adoption differently or how can we change media so that an asian girl can look at lucy liu and say she is pretty and i look like her. but that's not the whole story, it's just the plot.
i'm not the only one struggling with duality, i'm not the only one adopted. in a bigger story, we are all adopted children stuggling to live both as we were intended to live and at the same time live broken lives. how often do you feel that tug telling you this is not how it should be? i don't fit in here. isn't that the picture of the gospel? that we constantly live in tension. i sincerely believe that there will be a great ending to the larger story as well as to my smaller story. someone named god saw something amazing in an abandoned, unwanted girl in pusan korea and so he hand picked me for some great work, some great love.
i love adoption because it puts the gospel right in your face, you can't look away from something different, something unnatural, but so godly in its truest sense. it's mothers, it's fathers, it's family loving someone that was once unwanted and giving life and hope and love. isn't that your story?
but needless to say, i fully support adoption and this is such a cool way to defray cost. this blogger is raffling a camera and all proceeds go to the exuberantly high cost to adopt their daughter who is still in korea (how did my parents pay for 4? mom says she paid for my sister's cutting coupons... that's a lot of coupons). check the blog out and donate for a great cause. http://asisterforthebean.blogspot.com/
thoughts have been swimming around my head for the past year concerning adoption. for those who don't know me, i am an adult adoptee from south korea. i grew up in a family of six kids, 2 natural born and 4 adopted. of the adopted, 3 are from s. korea, including me and one from vietnam. i don't really talk about being adopted... at all. it is a weird subject for me.
i grew up in a very rural area, read all whites. all i ever wanted to be when i was little was a blond hair, blue eyes girl and if i could not be the dream girl, i would have taken non-slanted eyes. wow and my name didn't help the matters either, song. no one gets the name, i didn't get the name, why wasn't my name melissa or samantha, great for nicknames.
this is sad, but i sometimes forgot i was korean. seriously. until someone would say my name which was a constant reminder that i was different. otherwise i could fool myself into not looking into the mirror and seeing those slanted eyes. so i kept things in, the shy, quiet girl that was deathly afraid to be noticed else people would realize just how different i was.
and kids can be cruel. they will point out any difference just to fit in. but i didn't realize at the time that every kid had insecurities. mine just felt a little more out there for the world to see.
college was an eye opening experience with more asians and koreans on campus, a whole community that stuck together. freshmen year i was befriended by a korean girl down the hall who ate korean, talked korean, was all korean. and i did not fit in. somewhere along the way to becoming americanized, i never learned how to be korean. the duality of my life was apparent for the first time, i was korean on the outside, but american on the inside. i have stuggled with this duality probably from the very beginning, but this is when i could recognize it.
5 months ago i felt it again as i visited korea for the first time. i thought that something might click, that i would have an epiphany on my life there. nothing happened. i felt like a foreigner. i could walk around not saying a word and no one would know i couldn't speak a lick of my native tongue. no one would know i spent the last 30 years of my life as an american girl with american dreams. and then inevitably i would need something like directions or food or a restroom and i would need to open my mouth. so even in my homeland i felt like an imposter, a fraud. not quite american, not quite korean.
i could end the story here and you might feel bad for me or wonder how to do international adoption differently or how can we change media so that an asian girl can look at lucy liu and say she is pretty and i look like her. but that's not the whole story, it's just the plot.
i'm not the only one struggling with duality, i'm not the only one adopted. in a bigger story, we are all adopted children stuggling to live both as we were intended to live and at the same time live broken lives. how often do you feel that tug telling you this is not how it should be? i don't fit in here. isn't that the picture of the gospel? that we constantly live in tension. i sincerely believe that there will be a great ending to the larger story as well as to my smaller story. someone named god saw something amazing in an abandoned, unwanted girl in pusan korea and so he hand picked me for some great work, some great love.
i love adoption because it puts the gospel right in your face, you can't look away from something different, something unnatural, but so godly in its truest sense. it's mothers, it's fathers, it's family loving someone that was once unwanted and giving life and hope and love. isn't that your story?
but needless to say, i fully support adoption and this is such a cool way to defray cost. this blogger is raffling a camera and all proceeds go to the exuberantly high cost to adopt their daughter who is still in korea (how did my parents pay for 4? mom says she paid for my sister's cutting coupons... that's a lot of coupons). check the blog out and donate for a great cause. http://asisterforthebean.blogspot.com/Tuesday, January 27, 2009
things i like right now
space heaters
big sweaters
spring days in the dead of winter
the high after a long run
my comfy bed
drinking tea from my baby blue stanley thermos
knitting scarves
curling up with a library book
wii tennis
real bowling
the office tv series
tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches
bloggers who care about the poor, oppressed, widow, orphaned, sick and lonely
big sweaters
spring days in the dead of winter
the high after a long run
my comfy bed
drinking tea from my baby blue stanley thermos
knitting scarves
curling up with a library book
wii tennis
real bowling
the office tv series
tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches
bloggers who care about the poor, oppressed, widow, orphaned, sick and lonely
Monday, January 26, 2009
got community?
for book club we are reading The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner which is about happiness and what makes people happy. the author travels around the world to poor nations and countries that are statistically happy and various governing bodies to find out what makes people happy. i just started the book, so i don't have all the answers yet, but i'll be sure to post when i become enlightened.
something that did strike me in the book already was this:
"Trusting your neighbors is especially important. Simply knowing them can make a real difference in your quality of life. One study found that, of all the factors that affect the crime rate for a given area, the one that made the biggest difference was not the number of police patrols or anything like that but, rather, how many people you know within a fifteen-minute walk of your house."
community. do you have it? i'd like to think i do because i know a few neighbors from the community garden we tended to last summer. and i run toward city park a few times a week and i nod at my neighbor sitting on his porch as i leave and come home. but the fact of the matter is i live in five points, all be it a trendy block, but still five points. homeless wonder down the alley, packs of kids spray paint my garage door, 2 kids got shot at the park i use to run around. and do we ever got police patrol. there's police rolling by our house multiple times a week and those hoovering helicopters aren't checking on a car wreck during rush hour.
i live downtown in the midst of yuppies and homeless men and low-rent housing and hispanics and blacks. i know a few yuppies because i am a yuppie. i don't know the homeless, the helpless, the needy. how sad for me.
the quality of life would go up for everyone if we knew our neighbors, not just because we feel safe and can trust people, but because community (as an action word not a noun) is what we all desire, to be known and to know others.
the other day, we received a valentine invitation in our mail slot. someone is having a st. valentine's day tea and they have invited the neighborhood. i have no idea who the invitation is from, but i am going to attend, i am going to put my insecurities aside to know my neighbors and have community.
how many people do you know within a fifteen minute walk?
something that did strike me in the book already was this:
"Trusting your neighbors is especially important. Simply knowing them can make a real difference in your quality of life. One study found that, of all the factors that affect the crime rate for a given area, the one that made the biggest difference was not the number of police patrols or anything like that but, rather, how many people you know within a fifteen-minute walk of your house."
community. do you have it? i'd like to think i do because i know a few neighbors from the community garden we tended to last summer. and i run toward city park a few times a week and i nod at my neighbor sitting on his porch as i leave and come home. but the fact of the matter is i live in five points, all be it a trendy block, but still five points. homeless wonder down the alley, packs of kids spray paint my garage door, 2 kids got shot at the park i use to run around. and do we ever got police patrol. there's police rolling by our house multiple times a week and those hoovering helicopters aren't checking on a car wreck during rush hour.
i live downtown in the midst of yuppies and homeless men and low-rent housing and hispanics and blacks. i know a few yuppies because i am a yuppie. i don't know the homeless, the helpless, the needy. how sad for me.
the quality of life would go up for everyone if we knew our neighbors, not just because we feel safe and can trust people, but because community (as an action word not a noun) is what we all desire, to be known and to know others.
the other day, we received a valentine invitation in our mail slot. someone is having a st. valentine's day tea and they have invited the neighborhood. i have no idea who the invitation is from, but i am going to attend, i am going to put my insecurities aside to know my neighbors and have community.
how many people do you know within a fifteen minute walk?
Monday, January 12, 2009
paper gifts for me
today is my 1 year anniversary and i feel proud and nostalgic and lucky and wiser. pride comes from the fact that i'm with the most amazing and patient man and that we made it 1 year in marriage. i look back on our wedding as such a special day, a day that goes down in my history book. thoughts of the past year bring me joy and embarrassment because there are definitely happy moments to remember. the big trips to tahiti for our honeymoon and the trip to china and korea. the simple moments of having dinner with friends or dinner he made for me. but i'm not so proud of the ugly time together fighting or pouting and the realization that marriage is a lot harder than advertised.
there should be a release form every couple must sign and read the fine print. marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do. you will be required to give of yourself daily and then when night falls, you must give some more. sorry's need to be abundant as you will be an ass most of the time. being right doesn't mean you are the winner. be forewarned that you will reveal the ugliest side of yourself and be constantly reminded how selfish and petty you are. it is wise to learn grace and forgiveness and grace. the most important quality you can pick in a mate is humility and the ability to easily forgive you because you will mess up A LOT.
marriage has been on my mind a lot lately partly because i'm not very good at it. i'd rather do things my way all the time. 30 years of relying on myself does not breed dependence, it breeds bad habits communicating and selfishness.
i'm lucky because i have an extremely patient husband. we're lucky because we won't give up on marriage or each other. life is better because i have him and because i'm being refined and reshaped, not by my husband but because i have a husband. and when/if we are blessed with children, get out the sandpaper or sledgehammer because more of self will be chiseled away. i guess this is what taking up my cross daily looks. no one should give the illusion it's easy, that it's a fairytale of happily ever after because that's sh!t. And maybe that's why the first anniversary gift is paper... toilet paper to whip away the loads of crap that we expected marriage to be like. paper to remind you that marriage isn't roses and gold necklaces.
divorce seems to be rampant today as more couples i know fall victim to it. and it scares me. so give me toilet paper for this anniversary as a sober reminder that there will be sh!t ahead, toilet paper needed!
there should be a release form every couple must sign and read the fine print. marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do. you will be required to give of yourself daily and then when night falls, you must give some more. sorry's need to be abundant as you will be an ass most of the time. being right doesn't mean you are the winner. be forewarned that you will reveal the ugliest side of yourself and be constantly reminded how selfish and petty you are. it is wise to learn grace and forgiveness and grace. the most important quality you can pick in a mate is humility and the ability to easily forgive you because you will mess up A LOT.
marriage has been on my mind a lot lately partly because i'm not very good at it. i'd rather do things my way all the time. 30 years of relying on myself does not breed dependence, it breeds bad habits communicating and selfishness.
i'm lucky because i have an extremely patient husband. we're lucky because we won't give up on marriage or each other. life is better because i have him and because i'm being refined and reshaped, not by my husband but because i have a husband. and when/if we are blessed with children, get out the sandpaper or sledgehammer because more of self will be chiseled away. i guess this is what taking up my cross daily looks. no one should give the illusion it's easy, that it's a fairytale of happily ever after because that's sh!t. And maybe that's why the first anniversary gift is paper... toilet paper to whip away the loads of crap that we expected marriage to be like. paper to remind you that marriage isn't roses and gold necklaces.
divorce seems to be rampant today as more couples i know fall victim to it. and it scares me. so give me toilet paper for this anniversary as a sober reminder that there will be sh!t ahead, toilet paper needed!
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
a penny for my thoughts
-six inches of snow last night, 75 minutes commute to work this morning, same as any other day which includes:
10 minutes walk to lightrail stop
40 minutes lightrail ride
15 minute bus ride
10 minutes walk to my cubicle
-denver weather, snowstorm and a crappy morning commute. afternoon sunshine and blue skies.
-annoyance: stupid people driving stupid while talking on their cell phones.
-interesting fact: my husband use to think scooters were for chicks, now he rides "my" scooter more than I do.
-facebook is a new addiction, as well as a tool to reconnect with old friends. I'm also tempted to compare myself to where everyone else is in life.
-december should just be paid vacation because how much work really gets done at the end of the year? plus the fact that I can't concentrate on anything work related.
-i could really get use to having my husband home full time. i love coming home and deciding together what to have for dinner. even fighting over what we watch is more fun than sitting alone on the couch.
10 minutes walk to lightrail stop
40 minutes lightrail ride
15 minute bus ride
10 minutes walk to my cubicle
-denver weather, snowstorm and a crappy morning commute. afternoon sunshine and blue skies.
-annoyance: stupid people driving stupid while talking on their cell phones.
-interesting fact: my husband use to think scooters were for chicks, now he rides "my" scooter more than I do.
-facebook is a new addiction, as well as a tool to reconnect with old friends. I'm also tempted to compare myself to where everyone else is in life.
-december should just be paid vacation because how much work really gets done at the end of the year? plus the fact that I can't concentrate on anything work related.
-i could really get use to having my husband home full time. i love coming home and deciding together what to have for dinner. even fighting over what we watch is more fun than sitting alone on the couch.
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