fear not or your hair will turn gray

it has started to happen. to be truthful, it started 4 or 5 years ago. i remember sitting in my communication class in college, bored out of my mind. so i start looking at my hair and among the mass of black, i found a "clear" hair. i showed it to my male classmate, who so kindly pointed out that it was no big deal, just a grey hair. i was shocked and apalled at the thought of having a gray hair. i didn't think much of it until i started finding more and more clear pigmented hairs. so i did what any sane woman in her mid twenties would do, began plucking.

remember that old wives tale, if someone give you a fright, your hair will turn grey? i would like to believe that tale or at least a revised version, that every time i worry or am scared of the unknown that a single hair turns gray. then something so superficial as hair color would be in my control.

but isn't that my real problem? i want to be in control of my life, the going-ons and what not. and the fear comes when the reins are out of my hand and i have to trust God for his best. i'm good at worrying, right now it's how will have shelter for ourselves in the future. where will peter and i live? can we afford our dreams? and if we can afford our dream house, should we spend our money on that material possession? is it my right to own a house? these are all questions i ask myself. so how do i live delibrately with or without gray hair?

i think...

there was a bee in my shirt all afternoon. he flew in at lunch and never left. there was no squirming or a sting. an hour ago i pulled a leg from the back of my shirt. and just a minute ago a bee flew up behind my back, buzzing away. i kid you not.

i miss my husband

just a few pictures of my favorite guy. come home soon to me.

back from a wonderful trip to china and south korea. there was tons to see and do, sensory overload really. we traveled only to the big cities, shanghai, beijing, Seoul, and Busan so there were people everywhere. yes, i live in downtown denver, but it doesn't even come close to comparing to these big cities. people everywhere, people doing weird things everywhere i turned my head. there were men spitting, women too, vendors asking to buy their ware, grown women holding hands, 3 people on a bicycle, huge stacks of glass bottles on the back of scooters and all of us trying to share a 5 foot wide sidewalk. personal space is a luxury.

and i was a foreigner in the midst of my birth place. you can't blame me for holding the country and it's people at arms length, the only thing connecting me is a small word on my passport. place of birth: korea.

some adoptees have a desire deep within them to meet their birth mother. they want answers to health questions or answers for their anger or just to feel the connection a mother and child feel or to say thank you. it's been thirty some years and that desire has not been placed on my heart. maybe someday, i'll need answers, maybe after i have children of my own and something awakens within me. and so for now i will whisper my thank you into a denver night, hoping someone halfway across the world can hear me.