Monday, January 12, 2009

paper gifts for me

today is my 1 year anniversary and i feel proud and nostalgic and lucky and wiser. pride comes from the fact that i'm with the most amazing and patient man and that we made it 1 year in marriage. i look back on our wedding as such a special day, a day that goes down in my history book. thoughts of the past year bring me joy and embarrassment because there are definitely happy moments to remember. the big trips to tahiti for our honeymoon and the trip to china and korea. the simple moments of having dinner with friends or dinner he made for me. but i'm not so proud of the ugly time together fighting or pouting and the realization that marriage is a lot harder than advertised.

there should be a release form every couple must sign and read the fine print. marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do. you will be required to give of yourself daily and then when night falls, you must give some more. sorry's need to be abundant as you will be an ass most of the time. being right doesn't mean you are the winner. be forewarned that you will reveal the ugliest side of yourself and be constantly reminded how selfish and petty you are. it is wise to learn grace and forgiveness and grace. the most important quality you can pick in a mate is humility and the ability to easily forgive you because you will mess up A LOT.

marriage has been on my mind a lot lately partly because i'm not very good at it. i'd rather do things my way all the time. 30 years of relying on myself does not breed dependence, it breeds bad habits communicating and selfishness.

i'm lucky because i have an extremely patient husband. we're lucky because we won't give up on marriage or each other. life is better because i have him and because i'm being refined and reshaped, not by my husband but because i have a husband. and when/if we are blessed with children, get out the sandpaper or sledgehammer because more of self will be chiseled away. i guess this is what taking up my cross daily looks. no one should give the illusion it's easy, that it's a fairytale of happily ever after because that's sh!t. And maybe that's why the first anniversary gift is paper... toilet paper to whip away the loads of crap that we expected marriage to be like. paper to remind you that marriage isn't roses and gold necklaces.

divorce seems to be rampant today as more couples i know fall victim to it. and it scares me. so give me toilet paper for this anniversary as a sober reminder that there will be sh!t ahead, toilet paper needed!


curlyjo said...

amen sister!

Gretchen Crocker said...

So very true. You get married to see how selfish you really are. You have kids and realize you really had only started to scratch the surface on selfishness. Congrats on one year!

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