remember this post? it was the beginning thoughts on adoption. and quite recently there was this article titled "Adopted from Korea and in Search of Identity" in the ny times. the article has the perpections of multiple korean adoptees who quoted thoughts right out of my head about growing up asian in a white family. many felt they were white and surprised themselves when seeing their asian eyes in the mirror. and when faced with koreans who grew up in a korean family, there was a sense of outsider as well.
i wanted to be white and even now i catch myself thinking i'm not a minority.
i knew i was different at a very young age when kids in pre-school would pull their eyes back and yell "kong chong wong tong!" at me. i flinched when girls would mention my oriental black hair. and i have to admit telling people i was adopted makes me squirm.
going to south korea last august didn't really help resolve anything. it just confirmed i'm not really full korean either. often the locals would look at my puzzled as only english words could come from my mouth.
you might think that it was easier with 2 asian adopted brothers and 1 korean adopted sister to find an identity. honestly we were kids and just sort of went at it alone, never really mentioning out struggle with rasism. i thought rasism only had to do with blacks, that the unconfortable feeling i felt when someone would pull back their eyes was my issue and no one elses.
being a transracial adoptee is isolating. i felt like the only one, no one could relate to these identity issues, not my white parents or white friends. it was better to just try to fit in as quietly as possible.
now i continue to search for my identity as i am about it give birth to flesh of my flesh. i think about who am i. who of myself am i passing on to someone else? will he/she struggle as mixed korean and white? i hope not. i truly hope for a diverse and accepting upbringing.